symbols* cuda

This post will probably be a long one, and I don't know I'd rather TELL it out in person, but I just feel like writing it down, in case you aren't able to hear it, for whatever reason.

The title of this blog is called "symbols". Why? Well for those of you that know me, I'm a VERY symbolic person, and there are symbols all over the place for me. My right wrist has exactly 7 bracelets on it. One of those "religious" bracelets (don't know what they're called), 3 pink bands, and 3 black bands. They do "symbolize" something and those people and some know who and what they are and what they mean.

Ever look up the word "religion"? Well, it literally means to "reconnect".

Back when I was a senior in high school, I met this girl. She was introduced to me by a friend of mines and we talked a bit. At first I didn't want anything more than a friendship from her and I wasn't looking for anything like that. Another thing was I was kinda, sorta, not really still feeling the effects of a breakup from my junior year (turns out she went out with me to get over some guy, who she ended up with right after she broke up with me, but I won't get into that).

I got afraid! I started to like this girl. I mean REALLY like this girl. It was difficult. Again, I was STILL feeling the effects from a past relationship and she wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend. I rushed to my grandmas after school to see if she was online and got excited when I saw her screen name online. When she wasn't, I waited (sometimes for hours) for her to come online so we could talk. For a while, we never admitted we liked each other, but we knew. So finally one day, after a very passionate conversation early one morning over the phone, we became an official couple.

I would have to say that having her as a girlfriend was definitely a turning point in my life. We did LOTS of things together. She introduced me to lots of things that diversified me. She taught me to try new things, to be spontaneous, to live life to the fullest, to not CARE what other people thought, and if you wanted to do something, if you weren't hurting yourself or others than why not?

She got me into performing arts, being creative, using slimmer/fitted clothes and she also got me listening to punk rock/alternative music. Contrary to popular belief, I was real "filipino" back in the day: baggy clothes, spiky hair, listened to rap/hip hop, etc (but I wasn't THAT bad :P).

One band that we always listened to majority of the time was Yellowcard and they became my favorite band! Whenever we went out, we would always play "Ocean Avenue" or something in my car. I bought their CD, a poster or two, and made custom CDs (when burning CDs were rare back then) with my favorite Yellowcard songs on it. We even saw them perform when they came down here!

Our relationship went on for about two and a half years.

Then something happened...

To make an even longer story short, and to this day I don't know the REAL or the WHOLE story, but by knowing what I know and collecting (not that I went out looking for it, but people who I crossed paths with who knew her) information, she pretty much left me for someone she met on MySpace... We were together for two, two and a half years, and she LEFT me for someone she met on MYSPACE...



and that was it for me...



I got rid of a lot of clothes and I seriously considered torching letters, pictures of us (but ended up putting it in a "put away box"). The Yellowcard posters came down, the mix CD's thrown into a field like Frisbees , and their Ocean Avenue LP I snapped in half.

I was DEVASTATED. I became upset, anti-social, depressed. This also was the mark of the first time I became very bitter, angry, curt. I remember going into my room and throwing things away left and right, trashing my room, out of frustration, anger, hurt.

I had never been so heartbroken in my life........








So what's my point???







To kill time....








Haha no really though, what's the point to my story? Well the point is this: I couldn't listen to Yellowcard anymore. I HATED the band! Anything that represented them in any WAY (sometimes not represent them at all), shape, or form couldn't come literally within 100 yards from me. If things that SOUNDED like them, I couldn't stand.

Now why is this? Why is it that I couldn't listen (or be reminded of) Yellowcard anymore?

It's because Yellowcard became a SYMBOL. And that SYMBOL, RECONNECTED me to something SACRED. Sacred doesn't necessarily mean "holy", but in general it means "special".

Everytime something Yellowcard came along, it reminded me of times back when I was with her and in that context, I didn't WANT to be reminded of those times when I was with her. Because it brought back strong feelings and emotions along with it too and I DIDN'T want to be reminded at ALL about anything...



Then one day I thought to myself...



If something like Yellowcard could make me feel so strongly about something in such a negative way, then why couldn't something about my religion make me feel just as strong, but in a positive way?

I feel that that's what our religion is supposed to do for us (whatever religion you may be). Recall what "religion" means. It literally means to "reconnect".

My Catholic religion is one big symbol, along with the other 934876570326453 symbols that come along with it: the crucifix, the dove, tongues of fire, the cross, nails, host, chalice, and the list goes on and on and on. All those SYMBOLS; they RECONNECT me to something SACRED, something special: my Lord above, and the ultimate sacrifice that He made for us, by giving up His life, by dying... so that WE can live....

It makes me feel powerful emotions. It makes me feel strong, hopeful, happy, and content with whatever it is that He has planned for me. Most of all, it fills me with the powerful emotion of love. And with this powerful weapon, if used correctly, can use it to combat and get through ANYTHING...

__________* cuda